CHAPTER 18

The sun filling the den shone straight into her eyes. She tried to turn over and nearly toppled off the couch. Sleep was apparently no longer an option now that she'd opened her eyes. She sat up and for a moment and felt completely disoriented. Duffy jumped up and began licking her face. She rubbed his belly a moment then pushed him off of her. He jumped down and ran out of the room.  She could hear his little paws scrape across the wood on the stairs as he tore downstairs. It was obvious he had to pee.

"Oh Jesus! Alright already," she said as she pushed the blankets aside. She felt exhausted from her restless night on the couch but grabbed her housecoat and stood up. Even from up hear she could hear Duffy scratching at the door to get outside. "Hold on, I'm coming."

She opened the back door and Duffy ran to the first bush he could find. Cass left the door open to allow the early morning breeze to blow the staleness out of the room. She then went through the rest of the house and threw open all the windows. No time like the present to rid the house of its unlived in smell, she thought to herself, even if it was only just for the few days she'd be hear.

Back in the kitchen, she put on a pot of coffee, then filled Duffy's bowl with food. She stood there watching the dark brew drip slowly into the pot and shook her head. It was true she realized at that exact moment. If you watched a pot set to boil on the stove, it seemed endless before the task was accomplished, but finally she filled her cup, added some sugar and cream, then headed out to sit on the porch. 

She sat in the rocker and watched as Duffy reacquainted himself with his yard in the light of day. She and Beau had planted so many things that last year they were here. She was amazed by how big everything had gotten. Nothing had withered or died. Beau had always said the land between the house and the small creek was as fertile as they'd thought it would be. She made a mental note that some of the trees they'd planted would need to be pruned so they wouldn't break under the weight of the coming snow this winter.   Even though the yard looked somewhat neglected, it was still breathtaking. Maybe she would ask Liz's gardner to come by and take a look at what needed to be done. 

She left Duffy to his own devices and went back inside to get dressed. She had her work cut out for her today so there was no time like the present to get her butt in gear and tackle some of the chores.

She started upstairs, dusting, polishing and sweeping. She took all the curtains down and shook them outside then left them on the wooden rack to air out. She washed the windows, beat down the cobwebs and vacuumed for the next three hours. It felt so good to see the place looking somewhat lived in again. It made her heart full as she came upon treasure after treasure, little mementos and furniture they'd found at flea markets, antique stores, and garage sales. She had called it a labor of love each time they found just the right place for every little thing they'd bought.

She decided it was time for a break and went to the kitchen to get a fresh cup of coffee. Duffy was neatly curled up on the blanket by the table. It hadn't taken him any time to get used to being back here. As a matter of fact, she realized he looked far more comfortable here than he did at her apartment. She was just about to sit down when she heard a knock at the front door. Maybe Liz's plans had changed and they'd be able to spend a little time together today as well as tomorrow. She set her cup down and walked towards the front door. She stopped short when she realized that it was not her friend, it was a stranger, a man, someone she didn't know. Cass knew she must look like crap after her whirlwind of cleaning so she stopped, pulled the scrunchie from her hair and redid her ponytail. Last thing she wanted to do was present herself as a complete slob, even if this was just some random door-to-door salesman. Finally she took the last few steps towards the door and opened it.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry if I caught you at a bad time. Are you the home owner?" he asked. "I really didn't expect anyone to be here."

"Yes. Do I know you?" Cass asked. He was far too good looking to be selling stuff way out here.

"No. I'm Chase Maxwell," he said, stretching his hand out to shake hers. "I'm the party who inquired about renting your house. I just happened to be driving by, because I'm still looking for a place out here, and I saw a car in the driveway. I'm sorry if I'm intruding." 

"You're not intruding, but I already told your agent that I'm not interested in renting, leasing or selling the place, so if you'll excuse me," she said as she slammed the door in his face. She was shocked by her own rudeness, but nonetheless, she turned the bolt in the door and went back to the kitchen. She sat down hard in the chair and picked up her cup of coffee again. Her hand was shaking and her heart was thumping like a drum. What nerve this asshole had just to come by there like that when he already knew she wasn't interested in his lame offer. Maybe he thought his charming good looks might win her over, but Cass wasn't buying it. 

She was actually quite shocked by her reaction. She wasn't usually that rude to people even under the worst of circumstances, and she felt a pinch of remorse, but whatever. It was water under the bridge now. She couldn't undo it so she'd just have to let it go. As she sat there thinking she realized that he must have driven quite a ways to come here just to meet her face to face. She could have at least been civilized. Even so, she felt relief flush through her when she heard the sound of his tires on the gravel in the driveway. At least he wasn't indignant enough to push his luck by pressing her to change his mind. When she looked down and saw Duffy staring up at her, she realized that this intrusion had really upset her beyond normal. Even the damn dog was wondering what the hell was going on. Oh well, she thought, no use crying over spilt milk. She had plenty left to do in the way of chores to keep her busy, to push this feeling away.

She continued on her cleaning rampage, but every so often she paused, thinking about what she had done to that perfectly innocent stranger. The door slam was overkill. She could just as easily have closed it normal and sent the same message. He had kind of shocked her back to reality not only by his inquiry, but with his good looks, and warm husky voice. If she thought about it hard enough she would still feel the heat of his hand on the palm of hers. She hadn't really thought about anyone, any man, in a long time and found it odd that his image kept popping into her thoughts as she went about her chores. What the hell was going on? 

The day had passed quickly as busy as she'd been. She could see the sun would soon descend and it would be dark soon. She'd promised herself that she'd take a long walk sometime today and that time had arrived. She stashed her cleaning stuff into the pantry, grabbed the old coat off the hook by the back door and went outside.   This time she would take Duffy on the leash in case his memory failed him as to his surroundings. The last thing she wanted was to have to go search for him in the pitch black darkness if he got lost. As she fastened it to his collar, he protested. 

"Oh stop it Duff. You'll have your freedom when we get back," she said. 

She had lost a little of her nerve about being in the wilderness so she stuck to the old country road. It felt like home as she walked the old familiar route she and Beau had walked a million times. She could see the neighbors lights through the woods and felt comforted that there were other people around, even if they were behind closed doors. She had considered going up and knocking on a few of their doors, but then realized she would be an intruder. Most of them, at this time of day, would be setting about putting dinner on the table, then relaxing. Maybe next visit she'd put that on her list of things to do. She found that interesting that she'd actually thought about a next time. It wasn't likely that she'd be coming back here any time soon. She had lots of work coming up, she'd have no time to make the long drive again. What she really needed to do was to tell herself to shut the hell up. To just enjoy the moment. Just her and Duffy walking down memory lane. 

They'd been gone for nearly an hour now and the sun was pretty much gone. Duffy had settled down on the leash, probably because he was feeling as tired as she was. The darkness had settled around her like a glove. They needed to get back home now. As she approached the driveway she noticed a beautiful bunch of flowers sitting next to the front door. Liz had probably popped in and left them. She was sorry to have missed her. She would have loved nothing more than to see a familiar and friendly face tonight. She scooped them up and went inside. She set Duff free from the leash and went into the kitchen. She plopped the flowers on the table then went to hang up her coat. She grabbed a vase from the shelf and filled it with water. She set it on the table so she could arrange them and that's when she saw the card. She opened it expecting it to say what time Liz would be coming by and was shocked when she saw the unfamiliar handwriting.

I just wanted to apologize for my intrusion this afternoon. I just thought, well, perhaps I didn't think, I was just hoping that maybe you'd changed your mind. I'm sorry for the inconvienience. 

Sincerely Chase Maxwell.

PS: In case you change your mind in the future, here is my cell number 555-219-9834

As much as it pissed her off that he'd come back, a smile landed on her lips. It had been a long time since anyone had given her flowers. It felt interesting with a tinge of romance, but as quickly as that thought filled her head, a pang of guilt swooped in quickly replacing it. She crumpled the card up and threw it in the trashcan then proceeded to arrange the flowers in the vase. 

CHAPTER 17

Cass's restless night had wreaked havoc on her the next day at work. She'd tossed and turned, and at one point, woke up crying. She couldn't get into the groove. Try as she might to focus on what the photographer was saying to her, it was not going to happen. She was tired, she had a headache from all the wine she had consumed with her friends the previous night, they couldn't get the red out of her eyes no matter how many drops they put in, and she was plain and simply cranky. The photographer finally gave up and called it a day. She knew she'd hear about it from her agent later but she didn't care. She was an emotional basket case.

She stopped at the butchers on the way home to pick up a steak and a bone for Duffy as an apology for her rebuff last night. He'd tried to snuggle with her throughout the night, tried to comfort her, but she'd pushed him aside. If she were going to be alone, she wanted to feel like she were alone and Duffy's intrusions were pissing her off. She'd finally gotten up, put him outside the bedroom and closed the door so he couldn't get back in. This was so not like her.

As she turned the key in the door of her apartment, she could hear Duffy scurrying across the sleek wood floor towards the door. He ran circles around her feet as she came inside.

"I know little man. I'm glad to see you too!" She made her way to the kitchen so she could set her things down, and retrieved the bone she'd bought for him. "Peace offering Duff. That's the best I can do."

Duffy pounced on the huge bone as soon as it hit the floor. He looked back up at her with his big brown eyes as though thanking her, then dragged the bone over to his bed where he proceeded very methodically to dismantle it.

Cass saw the light blinking on her answering machine and punched the playback button.

"What the hell Cassie? Raul called and said your shoot today was a total fail. We need to talk. Are you okay? Call me as soon as you get this."

She knew her agent would be seething and she wasn't at all surprised by the message but she wasn't feeling up to calling her back quite yet. The next message was from a real estate agent inquiring about her house in the country.

"My name is Rachel Montgomery. I'm a real estate agent. I know we haven't met but I got your number from a friend of yours, Liz. I ran into her at the little store out here and she overheard me talking to the manager about your house. She was hesitant about giving me your number but I convinced her I just wanted to inquire as to the properties status since it looks like it's been un-lived in for some time. I have a client who is in love with your house. If you're interested in any kind of agreement, sale, lease, rent, whatever, then please call me back so we can discuss this further. Thank you."

Cassie's heart began to race at the thought of someone else being in her house. She had left it in tact more as a shrine to what she'd had there with Beau. The idea of someone else intruding into her old life was absurd. She picked up the phone and dialed the number the agent left. She would nip this in the bud as quickly as possible.

"Is this Rachel?" Cass asked.

"Yes," the agent replied.

"This is Cassidy Lindley, I mean Gardner. You called about my house."

"Oh hi. I have a client who had been driving around looking at properties and he fell in love with your place. I know it's not on the market but I was curious if you were interested in leasing or renting it out?"

"Absolutely not!" Cass said. "It's not available for anything, okay?" Cass said biting back the anger that was lurking just below the surface.

"Oh, okay. I'll let my client know. Thanks for your time."

Just talking to this woman left her feeling furious, so much so, she was actually trembling. The idea of someone wanting to take away the last shred of Beau's memory scared her. It was all she had left of him aside from the photo's and memento's of their time together, the ones she kept in the small box in the dresser drawer.

But the call got her to thinking that maybe it was time to go out there. She had all but abandoned the place shortly after Beau's death, and she knew there were probably a lot of things that were in disrepair, things that should be taken care of before they got any worse.

She called Liz to let her know that she was planning to visit over the weekend. Liz of course was thrilled. She also knew how hard this would be for Cass so she suggested they have lunch together on Saturday. Cass said that sounded great.

 As she prepared dinner she thought about what she'd need to take with her. She really couldn't remember what she'd left out there when she left so she started a list of things she'd need to pick up. She could feel Duffy staring at her as though he knew what she was thinking, and when she looked down at him she knew her assuption was right.

 "You ready for a ride out to the country Duff? Get out of the concrete jungle for a few days?" She bent down to ruffle the hair on his head. At this, he began to bark and twist his body, something he always did when he got excited. "Okay, okay. You're in, but first do me a favor and chew on your bone for a while, okay?"

 Friday afternoon, she finished work early. She couldn't wait to get home and scrub her face. She'd been doing a period piece and had to wear gobs of makeup and tons of hairspray to keep the wild style in place. She showered, changed into her sweat suit and took Duffy for a short walk before they headed out on the long drive.

 It was nice to leave the city at dusk. The lights twinkled in her rearview mirror like a million stars that had somehow found their way to ground level. She turned the radio on and sang along as the city began to fall behind her. She had to distract herself, keep her mind busy so she wouldn't chicken out, so she wouldn't turn the car back around towards the safety of her apartment.

 It was dark by the time she reached the house. She pulled the car up to the front door, turned the ignition off, then sat there a few minutes because the sight of the house had made her dizzy. It put her on sensory overload. But Duffy was not going to allow her reverie to linger any longer. He was impatient to get out and run around freely so he jumped on her lap and started barking. As soon as she opened the door for him he bolted from his perch and headed straight for the first bush he saw. He was elated. He ran around peeing on everything he could find.

Finally Cass stepped out of the car. She glanced around the property and was surprised by how overgrown and neglected it looked. It did look abandoned. The real estate agent had been right. She went around to the trunk of the car and got out a few of the bags she'd brought with her. Duffy ran in circles around her feet then bolted straight up the front stairs to the door and began to scratch at it like he always used to. He knew he was finally home at last. Cass slowly made her way up the steps towards him. Her knees were shaking, and her heart started pounding as she slid the key into the lock.

The sound of the bolt turning seemed to echo into the night like an announcement, as though the world was welcoming her back home as well. As the door swung open, Duffy made a beeline to the couch, jumped up on it and started rolling around as though his body was on fire. It seemed to be a perfect moment for him. There was just enough moonlight filtering in to the room that she could see the outline of everything. A moment later Duffy jumped down, flew by her and then raced up the stairs towards the den where he'd spent endless hour with her and Beau. She watched him until he was out of sight.

She felt her body flushed with familiarity. She reached over to the wall next to the door to flick the light switch on. She prayed the last minute call to the electric company had been in time and that they'd been able to turn her power back on on such short notice, and they had. The room filled with light. She set her things down just inside the doorway and took stock of what she was feeling and seeing. What had once been a house full of love, laughter, and anticipation, had become just an empty house.

Duffy came charging down the stairs and ran into the kitchen. She heard him overturn a bowl, presumably his old water bowl, and she was amazed that he had still remained so familiar with his old digs. She was grateful for the tinny noise because it helped get her moving. She began to move through the house turning on every light as she went. When she got to the kitchen, there was Duffy sitting, waiting patiently by his bowl. She bent over, picked it up, then went to the sink to fill it. When she set it down for him, he lapped at the water liked he'd never had any before. She realized then, that he'd been just as nervous as her.

She whiffed the air and it was old and stale. She shoved the kitchen window open, then made a mental note that she'd open every window tomorrow to get rid of the musty unlived in odor. She went back out to the car and brought in the last bags, the ones filled with just enough groceries to get her through two or three days. After putting everything away she went outside through the back door. She stood on the porch and listened.

Her ears filled with the quietness. The smell of wild jasmine filled her nostrils. She'd forgotten just how quiet the night could be. She moved over to the old rocking chair and sat. The breeze blew her hair around her face. Her eyes filled with tears as the memories came flooding back. How many nights had she and Beau spent sitting here making plans for the future? How many dinners had they eaten out there under the moon? How many times did he whisper in her ear that he loved her as they lay snuggled together, wrapped in a comforter, as an early snow began to fall?

She had promised herself before she left the city that she was going to think of the future, but now, being here in the flesh, it was hard not to think of the past.

~

The sun was blazing and the humidity in the air promised a late afternoon rain. She and Beau had spend the whole morning painting the old wicker furniture they'd fount at an auction. It would be the finishing touch for the back porch. Duffy had been running around chasing squirrels for the most of the morning and Beau had had to call him off every so often in order to preserve their natural wildlife. After the painting was finished Beau went inside to make them something to eat while Cass finished putting everything away. She then set about the task of planting the geraniums in the planter boxes hoping it would be the last step in transforming their beautiful outdoor room. She stood back for a minute to admire her work when at long last the first crack of thunder rang out. She felt the first raindrops land on her shoulders. They were big and fat, they kind she always loved. They were also Duffy's favorite and she watch for a moment as he jumped in the air, trying to catch them before they hit the ground.

"Come on Duffy, get in here before you get filthy," she called out. Duffy came running at breakneck speed. He'd never really been that fond of lightning so he was happy to go inside. He charged up the stairs at such speed, he crashed into the screen door before Cass had a chance to open it. "Good Lord, you are an absolute lunatic dog. Please, allow me," she said cracking the door open so he could scramble in. At that exact moment, another long rumbling crack crashed down from the sky, which sent Duffy straight under the kitchen table. Both she and Beau laughed out loud. 

"Something smells good. What have you whipped up my dear?" she said moving towards the stove.

"Well, we've got a nice bowl of soup to take the chill off, and a lovely salad with pan fried shrimp," he said in that silly waiter voice he used every time he cooked for her. She always loved that about him. His humor was always a little silly, but it suited him to a tea. He spooned the soup into the bowls, set the salad on the table, then pulled out the chair for her. 

"Why thank you sir," she said giving him a short peck on the cheek.

They'd sat there talking about this and that as the storm rolled through. An hour later, the rain had stopped and the sun began to peek out from behind the last dark cloud.  Beau had a few errands to run in town so he left Cass to clean up the kitchen. She stood at the sink and watched as their wonderland of a backyard came back to life as the suns rays broke through.  She pushed the window open and drew in a deep breath. She always loved how the rain made everything new and fresh, unlike when she was living in the city. There it made the trash smell more prominent and made the roads more slick from years of cars passing over them. It was so different living in the country. It had become so her so much so that she didn't mind the commute one little bit when she got work. It was a bit of a chore getting back in on the crowded freeways, but the trip home stripped away any feelings of anxiousness she'd garnered during the day.

She puttered around in the house a little while longer then got out the new cushions they'd bought for the patio furniture. She took them outside and placed them just so. She rearranged the candles on the small table, then sat down, again admiring how their hard work had paid off. 

Beau had come back, his chores finished, and he'd brought his saxaphone outside with him. He sat next to Cass and played a few soft melodies. The sun was beginning it's decent and was transforming their big sky into a pallet of warm, beautiful hues of orange, pink, and gold. What a perfect end to a perfect day.

~

She unstacked the chairs and set them back in place then went to the old pine chest they'd used for storage. She pulled the cushions out and took the plastic wrap off of them. She couldn't remember putting them away like that so Liz or Bill must have come by after she'd left and stored them properly so they wouldn't get ruined. She set them back on the chairs, then took stock of the empty planters. She felt just as empty as they did. She stood there for a moment breathing in the familiar scents. In so many ways it felt so good to be here, but then she remembered. It would never be what it used to be.

She went back inside and put food in Duffy's bowl, then made herself a sandwich and a cup of tea. She sat for a long time listening to the radio trying to postpone going up those stairs to their old bedroom. She was remembering how warm and comfortable she'd been here. She had somehow convinced herself over the past two years that she would hate coming back, that she would hate this place, but now, and the night began to really set in, she realized that this too would be part of her healing process. 

The phone rang, startling her and she spilled her tea. She grabbed a cloth and the phone at the same time.

"Hello," she said as she wiped up her mess, which made her sound very distracted.

"What's wrong," Liz asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine. It's so quiet here the phone startled me. I spilt my tea. Are you still coming over tomorrow?" she asked.

"Actually, that's what I was calling about. Something came up. Can we do it Sunday?" 

"Sunday's fine. Promise me you'll bring Alicia though. I probably won't even recognize her," Cass said because it had been far too long since she'd seen her.

"Absolutely. I can't wait to see you." Liz said.

"Ditto girl, ditto!"

She set the phone back in its cradle and then cleaned up the rest of her mess. She put the dishes in the sink because she didn't feel like washing them tonight. She went to the back door and stepped outside. 

"Duffy, come on boy, time to come inside," she called out, then stood there waiting for him. She could hear him rustling through some brush at the side of the house, probably trying to suss out one more wild thing before calling it a night. She looked up at the moon. They sky was clear and in the darkness, it appeared brighter and bigger somehow, and as if it was meant to be, she watched a star streak through the sky on its way to burning out. Her heart filled at the sight. It was as though the country, or maybe even Beau, was welcoming her home.

Duffy finally made it back to the porch and they both went back inside. Cass wandered into the livingroom. It looked as it always had with the exception of the few missing pieces that were now at her apartment in New York. She moved further into the room and ran her fingers across the table behind the couch. Oh Lord. She was going to have to dust it tomorrow, along with all the other cleaning she would have to do. But that was okay because now she'd have the day to herself. She turned and stood looking at the stairway leading up to the second floor. She could feel the tremble move through her body but she forced herself to move. She went up slowly and at the top stopped for a moment. She reached out and pushed the door to the den all the way open. She fully expected to smell the old aroma of Beaus 'once in a while' cigar. Instead, she was hit with a stale odor of a room closed up for too long. She stepped inside and opened the window. This room had had a life of its own. Because she wanted it so bad, it felt as though somehow, Beau was still very much a part of it. She turned on the light. His sax seemed to glow as though it was demanding her full attention. It was exactly where he had set it down for the last time. She probably should have put it back in its case before she'd moved back to the city, but she hadn't. She couldn't bring herself to even touch it then. She wasn't sure she could now either.

She quietly walked across the room, took a breath, then picked it up. It was cold and covered with dust, but she didn't care. She put the mouthpiece to her lips and blew softly. It made kind of a chirping sound, the same stupid sound that always came out whenever she'd tried to play it. Beau had given her the nickname 'squeak' because of that. He had always joked about her musical ineptness but she'd never minded because he was absolutely correct. She had no talent whatsoever when it came to carrying a tune. That made her laugh out loud. 'Good to know some things never change' she thought to herself. Duffy jumped up on the chair beside her, then jumped back down. He ran out of the room towards the bedroom, then turned a flew back towards her. He was looking for something.

"I know dude. I know exactly how you feel. But it's just us now, you and me, okay?" She reached down and scooped him up into her arms. She needed to feel his warmth so she wouldn't feel so alone. She expected he felt the same way too.

Together they entered the bedroom. It was pretty much a shell since she'd also taken that furniture back to the city with her. Duffy squirmed in her arms so she set him back down on the floor. He ran around sniffing at everything then stopped near the corner. Cass saw that look in his eye.

"Don't you dare. You pee in here, you'll be sleeping outside!" He looked up at her and knew she wasn't kidding. He dropped his leg and ran out of the room. There were too many memories haunting her mind so she stepped out of the room, closed the door, and headed back to the den. She opened the closet door, grabbed two heavy quilts and a pillow and threw them on the couch. Tonight she would sleep in here.

It was hard to fall asleep that night. She kept looking at all the pictures still hanging on the walls.  Finally she stopped fighting. She sat up and opened the drawer of the table next to the couch. She pulled out a small photo albumn. Page after page, she watched a lifetime go by. The best years of her life. She couldn't bear to look through the whole thing and finally set it down on the floor. She lay back on the couch. She was completely exhausted as her mind reeled, where the past and the present flashed endlessly reminding her of what would never be again.

CHAPTER 16

Dinner had turned out beautiful. Everyone complained about eating too much as they always did. They moved into the living room to have coffee and drinks, while Duffy tried to entertain everyone with his silly antics. Liz and Bill, her pal Carol, and a few of Cass's other model friends chatted easily over one more glass of wine.

"I have to go girl," Carol said as she stood and stretched. "I could sit here all night but I've got an early call and if I have any more to drink, they're going to have to use putty on my face. It was really great to meet the two of you. I've heard so much about you guys, I feel like I've known you for years."

"It was nice to meet you too," Liz said. "I'm glad Cass has someone like you to keep her company and to indulge her humor once in a while."

Carol looked at the other guests and suggested they all share a cab. She knew from the look on Cass's face that she was tired so she wanted to help her make everyone leave so she could spend a little more time with her old friends since she didn't get to see them all that often.

"Come on, up and atum kids. Chop, chop!"

Cass hugged each of them at the front door as they left.

"Thanks for the invite kiddo," Carol said. "I'll see you soon."

"I'm sure you will. Thanks for coming." Cass said as she closed the door behind them.

Without the others there, the room had become very quiet.

"How about a civil glass of Brandy?"

"Sounds good to me," Bill said.

Cass retrieved three small glasses from the kitchen and poured them each a little shot. They sat quietly for a while as they watched the fire roar in the fireplace.

"When are you going to come out and visit us?" Bill asked. "Liz has been going nuts again redecorating all the same rooms she did last year."

"Hey, you knew what you were in for when you married the girl." Cass said. "Too much country air, and not enough work. You should send her in to the city more often. I'm sure I could find plenty of work for her."

"Oh no you don't! The two of you could never talk me back into that business. I should have stuck to photography," Liz retorted. "I'm quite content doing our place because the only person I have to argue with is me."

"Oh please! You were always more a set stylist than photographer." Cass said. "I've never known anyone who took more time making sure everything was absolute perfection before one snap of the lens."

"You see. You see what I have to put up with?" Bill pleaded. "You have to come visit so you can help me stop her before she puts us all in the poor house."

Even though it had been two years since Cass moved back to the city, they were very careful about how they broached the subject of a visit back to their place.

"I'm so busy right now I don't have time to do much of anything else," Cass said.

Liz decided it was time to test the waters.

"Alicia and I drove over to your house last week," Liz said hesitating to say more.

Cass looked at her. She wanted to tell her to stay away from there because it was not a happy place anymore, but instead she stood there and smiled at her friend trying to be brave.

"It could use a little of your tender loving care. Maybe you could..."

Cass raised her hand to stop her from saying anything more.

"Please Liz. I know you mean well. I hate this day. I will always hate this day and tonight especially I do not want to talk about the house." Cass said, turning away so they wouldn't see the tears that had started to fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry Cass. I don't know what I was thinking." Liz said. "It just...I miss you. I miss you a lot. I wish you were closer, that's all."

Bill rubbed the back of Liz's neck. The elephant was in the room now. Everyone looked uncomfortable so Bill looked at his watch.

"Well, speaking of home girl, I guess we'd better make a move or it'll be morning before we get there," Bill said.

Cass hugged them both before they left. There was no promise of a visit.

She closed the door, locked it then stood there looking around the room. Seconds turned into minuted, minutes to hours. She felt paralyzed and had to finally force herself to move. She turned off the lights in the kitchen and living room and headed to her bedroom. She stopped for one brief moment and stared into the fire and watched as the last embers burned away. Her heart felt heavy. The tears that she'd managed to keep at bay were now falling freely. If she could scream the pain she felt at that moment, she might have woken the whole world. She tried to remember the details of Beau's face, the lines that etched at the side of each eye, the small scar that ran down his chin, the soft bristle of his unshaven cheeks. The vision of him was becoming fuzzy in her mind. Maybe it was too much wine, or maybe the time that had passed since he died was blurring her memory. It felt wrong. She rushed to the bedroom in a panic. She ripped open the top drawer of her dresser and dug beneath the clothes until she found what she was looking for. She took the small wooden box out of the drawer and moved to the bed before she opened it. She took out the photo of Beau. She rubber her fingers over his face wanting desperately to feel him there with her.

He had always looked the rugged outdoorsman, never too fancy except for the day of their wedding. He had wanted her to see that he could not only be a gentleman, but that he could suit up and look like one too. She set the picture down next to the box, and one by one took out the mementos of their life together. She took out the stack of love letters they has written each other when they'd started dating and set them aside. There on the bottom of the box was the envelope that contained the things the police had given her that night two years ago. She dumped the contents out onto the bed. She picked up the wallet and held it to her nose. There was still the faintest smell of his cologne on it. She set it down and took his wedding ring and slipped it on her finger. The tears were now flowing like a river as she laid down. She wanted that life back. She wanted him back. Her world had been perfect then.

It seemed like only moments had passed, but when she looked over at the beside clock she realized that two hours had slipped by. She sat up and began to put everything back inside the box. The stack of letters weighed heavy in her hand. She took the top one and set it aside then gently set the others back where they'd come from. She took Beau's picture and the letter and set them on the nightstand. She climbed into bed and pulled the covers up. Duffy jumped up onto the bed with her and began to lick the tears that were still spilling down her cheeks. She pushed him away gently. Instead she picked up the letter and slowly unfolded it.

My Dearest Cassandra,

I know it's only been two days since I last saw you, but I miss you terribly. It seems that you are my sunshine since it hasn't stopped raining since you left. Just my luck because I just started to pain the front porch. Oh well, it gives me more time to think of you.

My life and my heart have been so full since you came into it. Everything seems so easy now. Everything has new meaning, thanks to you. My little house here was so empty for so long that I though nothing good would come to it.

What I'm trying to say is that I love you and I want you to share my life with yours. If you feel the same way, then I have the solution, but I will wait till I see you next time so we can discuss it face to face.

Till then my love, stay out of the cold!
I love you,
Beau

She carefully folded the letter and set it on top of the picture. She could hear her heart beat pound in her ears. She needed to go to sleep. She rolled over and pulled Duffy to her chest and he lovingly obliged her desire to hug something.

CHAPTER 15

Cass’s agent had promised her this would be a quick shoot, but here she was, eight hours later, still straining to hold a nearly impossible pose. She shifted her weight ever so slightly, but it was just enough movement to make one of the props below her elbow give way and she fell backwards onto the floor. Everyone jumped at once.

“Holy shit!” Craig yelled as he ran towards her. He reached out his hand and Cass grabbed it, pulling herself up to her feet. “You okay Cass?”

“I’m fine. I’m sorry. I’m just a little tired I guess,” she said to hide the fact that she felt slightly embarrassed.

“We’ll call it a day then,” he said putting his arm around her shoulder. “That’s a wrap everyone. See you all bright and early tomorrow.” Still holding her hand, Craig walked with her over to the dressing room. “Are you sure you’re okay, you didn’t hurt anything?”

“Just my pride, that’s all. I guess I must be getting old or something.” With that, she turned and went inside the dressing room. Once the door closed she went and sat in front of the huge mirror and began removing the priceless jewelry that they’d been photographing. She set each piece back into its appropriate case. A moment later there was a knock at the door. She knew it would be the security guards they’d sent from Tiffany’s to escort their precious jewels back to the store. She got up, opened the door and let them in. They inspected each piece before putting the boxes back into the metal lock box, and as quickly as they came, so they went.

Slowly, like a ritual well practiced, she undid the garters that held the red silk stockings up. They slid down to her toes and she pulled them off. She picked up the robe she always bough with her and slipped it on. The lushness of the couch in the room beckoned her attention. She needed to relax for a moment or two before heading back out to the lights and sounds of the city. She crossed the tiny room then lay back and closed her eyes. Five minutes later she heard another knock on the door.

“Come in,” she said.

“You up for a drink or some dinner tonight?” Craig asked.

“Thanks, but not tonight. I’m pooped as they say.” She already had plans but didn’t want to get into that with him. Besides that, she did not want to be involved on any other level with Craig outside of their working together. “I’ve got a date with my bathtub and a good book tonight.”

“Need someone to wash your back?” He asked.

“You’re a dirty old man Craig. I don’t know why I keep subjecting myself to you like this,” she said smiling.

“Because you love me, that’s why.”

“Who says?” Cass said as she tossed the little pillow that had been on the couch beside her at him.

“Well, if you change your mind, about dinner that is, I’ll be over at Bascall’s.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun.” She said as he closed the door. She got up, dressed in her street clothes, threw all her things into the backpack she brought, then left the studio. She could just make the next train is she hustled.



She had been lost in thought until the jolt of the train suddenly stopping brought her out of her reverie. She looked through the window to see the name of the station, then grabbed her backpack and moved with the crowd out onto the platform. Today, especially, she needed the people, the crowds, the excitement, the energy and the dinner she had planned for a few of her friends. She needed to keep her thoughts focused today. Somehow, for the last two years, each time this day rolled around, the day the police car pulled up in front of her house, her heart broke all over again. Today would mark the second anniversary of Beau's death. She shook those thoughts from her mind and headed for the exit. Outside it had begun to gently snow. She pulled her collar up and headed up town towards her place.

There were two stops to make on her way home, one to pick up flowers and the other to pick up wine. Everything else had been prepared ahead of time. As she entered the liquor store, Jerry, who was a fixture in the comminity was standing behind the counter.

"Ah, my beauty, you are right on time." He reached across the counter and took her hand in his. He raised it to his lips and kissed the back of it tenderly. He had been madly in love with her from the first time she walked in the door a year or so ago. He'd recognized her from the many billboards and magazine covers that showed her as everything from the girl next door to super model of the year. He'd felt his heart skip a beat as she asked him about certain wines. She had treated him very kindly, almost fatherly, and whenever she had come in since, his day felt brightened. "Here are the wines you ordered," he said handing them to her so she could check the lable, "and here is a special one from me, on the house of course. Maybe some day you will drink wine with a silly old man like me."

"This looks like some pretty great stuff," she said handing him her credit card. "Maybe one night, I'll stop in right around closing and take you up on that." She smiled when she saw him blush. He'd probably tried that line a million times before with no takers.

"Anytime. My door is always open to you." He put her things into a bag and slid it across the counter. "Now you should go, you have company coming, no?"

"Yes I do. Thanks Jerry. I'll drink a toast to you tonight. See you soon," she said picking up the bag.

Jerry watched her as she walked out of his shop, then he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Bella, bella, bella!" he whispered.


She made her way carefully through the snow that had begun piling up on the sidewalk. The flowers she held bundled in her arm were a sharp contrast to the smell of rush hour traffice and city air. It made it seem as though spring had played a trick on winter and was allowing a glimpse of what was to come. She weaved her way in between the throngs of people crossing the street. Everyone kept their eyes straight ahead as though it would protect them from having to make any kind of contact with anyone passing by.

Cass had grown fond of one of the bag ladies that she saw every day on her way home, and always had a couple of dollars tucked into the pocket of her jeans. She wasn't exactly sure why she liked her, she just knew that she did. It had taken her a couple of days to warm up to this little old gray haired, haggard looking, brusque and sometimes rude woman. When she handed her the cash, she would just snatch it out of Cass's hand and count it right in front of her. You could almost see her body language change as she lifted her head to look at Cass, a big toothless smile worn in place of an actual verbal thank you. They both knew the routine now, but today Cass's mind was elsewhere as she rushed right past the old woman.

"Hey lady!" the old woman called out to her but Cass kept moving. She was running out of time and she promised herself to make it up to her tomorrow. Maybe she would even fix her a plate of food if there were any dinner leftovers.

She took the steps two at a time up to the front door of the building she lived in. She only had a few hours now before her guests arrived and she wanted to take a nice hot bath. If she hurried, she would have everything ready and would be able to use the last hour to relax. As always, Duffy gave her a warm welcome. He followed her into the kitchen where she put her packages down and then scooped him up into her arms.

"Hello, my baby. Did you behave today?"

He responded by lavishing her with kisses all over her face as she continued to speak to him in soothing tones. She carried him into the bedroom with her and set him on the bed. They both knew what that meant. This was playtime now and Cass grabbed at his front paws. He jumped back and forth then pounce on her when she threw herself down on the bed. "Did you have a boring day? Need me to rough you up a little?" she said rolling him over onto his back. He tried to get up but she held him down and rubbed his belly. "Oh. I see, you just needed a little lovin huh?" She picked him again and snuggled him to her chest and continued to pet him. He stretched his short little neck up as far as he could and gave her yet another kiss on the cheek. "I know, I love you too, but for now, we have things to do, okay?" She set him down again, then changed into some old sweat clothes before heading back to the kitchen.

She did a mental check list of the table to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. She'd always used the same trick her mother had used. Do ahead of time what you know you won't have time to do, nor the desire to do on the day of the dinner, so she'd set the table the previous night. Everything seemed to be in order. She took the flowers she'd bought and put them in the vase in the center of the table. She put the wine in the fridge to chill, and after throwing several cloves of garlic and few other spice in the pan, she put the small roast in the oven and turned it on. Now, she could take a nice hot bath.


The apartment had taken her months to find. She'd seen everything from one end of town to the other. Most were just too much of this or too little of that, but when she walked into this one, she knew right away that this was it. She could tell its previous owner was a woman by the soft muted rose-colored material on the walls and the winter white woodwork. The living room had a wall of windows that overlooked the park, and the kitchen, although not very big, was roomy enough for a single person. The bathroom was the deal sealer, it was really what sold her on the place. The soft rose walls continued into this room as well, and the tub, which was oversized, was framed by beautiful black granite. Although a shocking contrast at first, it beckoned to be used. It was almost a world unto itself. The master bedroom was a little like entering a childhood dream. Everything was soft white, with beautiful french lace curtains covering another large bank of windows. She would also have a fabulous view each morning when she woke up. The closet was closed off with lace covered French doors, and when she looked inside, she was delighted by the amount of room it had and how organized it would keep her. It was perfect. She knew she and Duffy would be quite happy here. She loved the views, the location, and she knew Duffy would love the park right outside their door. She'd signed the lease immediately before anyone else had a chance to see it because a place like this wouldn't last more than a day on the market. Timing was everything in this city.

She had moved in a few days later. There were only a few things to be moved in because all she was bringing back to the city with her was their bed and the old pine dresser they'd found behind someones barn. It had taken a little work but once they refinished it, it had looked brand new. The quilt, which she had made herself, was coming as well. Beau had said she was crazy to take on such a time consuming project, but she persevered. She hand stitched the entire thing each night when they settled down to catch up on their television shows. Beau had teased her relentlessly and kept telling her it would have been much quicker and easier to just buy one. But in the end, when all was said and done, he'd thought it quite the masterpiece and they'd made love on it the first night she'd put it on the bed.


She sank deep into the tub and closed her eyes. He body began to relax and she could feel the strains of the day slowly dissipate. Duffy lay on the carpet beside the tub waiting patiently. She tried to ignore the tears running down her cheeks. She still could not figure out why her happiness had been wiped out far too soon. How could her world have fallen apart like that? She had only been twenty-four, and Beau, her beautiful Beau, had only been twenty-six.

Her hand unconsciously rubbed across her belly as she tried to push the thought of the baby they might have had out of her mind. Once again, it was almost too much to bear. The alarm rang out in the bedroom saving her from any more of her thoughts. Duffy jumped out of the way as she got out of the tub. He hated even a drop of water on his furry little body. She wrapped herself in the big fluffy white towel, one of her big indulgences after leasing the apartment, and went to get dressed. She'd chosen a blue silk shirt and white jeans, and left her hair in the ponytail. She put on just a hint of makeup and her diamond studs. She was ready to go now and headed back to the kitchen. She checked the oven, added a little more stock, then grabbed Duffy's leash from the hook by the door. She had just enough time to take him over to the park for a short walk.

CHAPTER 14

Everyone that knew the two of them attended the funeral. Their friends, family, some of the people from Cass’s agency, and most all the people they knew in town showed up on this dreary, rainy day to bury Beau. Bill stood next to Cass with his arm supporting her. Liz was on her other side but was far too emotional herself to offer much help to her friend. Perhaps it was post-natal blues, but she found it hard to keep herself in control.

Cass stood like a zombie. Her heart had been wreched right out of her body. The quiet tears streamed down her cheeks and mixed with the rain. Her dreams had all come to a halt right here in this moment. All the plans she’d made for the rest of her life were changed by that one careless moment when a total stranger stopped paying attention to the road. She couldn’t help thinking about the baby she was carrying. Beau hadn’t even know that he was to be a father.

She hadn’t told anyone about the baby yet, not even Liz. It was far too painful to even think about it. Her future was too unsure now. All bets were off.

Bill and Liz drove her back to the house. It looked different to Cass as they pulled into the driveway. Beau’s car was not there, and she remembered that they had towed it to the scrap yard after the accident. It didn’t seem real.

She got out of the car and looked back down the road they had just traveled. There was nothing but empty ashphalt. She stood frozen, waiting, as if she were expecting someone. Liz came to her side and took her hand.

“Come on honey, let’s go inside.” She led her to the front stairs. Bill opened the front door and Duffy came bounding out of the house and began barking. He ran down the stairs and ran circles around Cass’s feet. She stepped past him, almost unaware of his presence, and went inside. He stopped barking and followed them inside. Sensing something was wrong, he went to lie on his cushion next to the fireplace. Neither Bill nor Liz were sure of what to do next. “I’ll make some tea, okay?”

Cass excused herself and went up the stairs to their newly finished den and closed the door. She didn’t really know what she wanted, but she knew that she didn’t want company. She wanted complete silence. She wanted to be alone. There was no time like the present to get used to the feeling of being alone. She was going to be alone for a very long time, that much she was sure of.

She sat down on the couch and closed her eyes for a moment. She could still feel him in this room. She could still smell him. He’d spent so much time in here his scent seemed to be embedded into everything.

Liz knocked gently on the door before coming in. Cass watched her as she set the cup of tea down on the table next to the sofa.

“Drink this Cass. It’ll help,” Liz said.

“No, it won’t help. Nothing will help,” she said. “You guys need to go home now. I’ll be alright.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” Liz replied.

“Please, just go home Liz, I’m going to sleep for a while. I’ll be okay. Go take care of Joey, she needs you.”

“You call me if you need anything, okay, day or night, whenever,” Liz said, then slowly made her way towards the door. She turned one last time to look at her friend. “You will be okay Cass, we’ll make sure of that. Call me later after you wake up. Please.” She didn’t close the door all the way because she knew Duffy would eventually make his way up here. But Liz never left. She couldn’t. If there were ever a time she needed to be here for her friend it was now. She’d sent Bill home to take care of their daughter, then set up camp in Cass’s guest room. She would sleep here, she needed to be here, just in case.


At the hospital, they had given Cass a large brown envelope that held Beau’s personal belongings. She had dumped out the contents onto the table the day before the funeral. There wasn’t really much there, just his wallet, cell phone, his watch, some loose change from his pocket, and his wedding band. She’d taken his wedding ring to the funeral home because she wanted him to be wearing it. She wanted him to still feel a small piece of her on the journey he was about to take.

She reached over and picked up his wallet. The leather had worn old around the edges. She raised it to her nose and inhaled deeply. She could still smell him. She lay back on the couch, the wallet still clutched in her hand, then pulled the blanket over top of her. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted into a deep dark sleep.

Sometime later, in the hours where only the moon lit the sky, the cramps gripped her tired aching body. She tried to sit up, but found she could barely move. Her hands instinctively went to her stomach. She reached down to the warmth she felt below her and felt something wet and sticky. She began to moan, “no, no, no…” She didn’t think there could be a pain worse than losing your husband, but this new horror was topping that. She felt the panic rise in her throat. She tried to reach for the phone but ended up knocking it off the table just out of her reach.

“Nooooo…” she screamed. Her voice filled the house. Duffy, having been woke from his sound sleep, began to bark like a mad dog.

Liz sprang from the bed and rushed up the stairs to where Cass was. She could hear Cass sobbing when she entered the room. When she switched on the light she froze. Cass was sitting in a pool of blood.

“Oh my God. Cass, what happened?” she said as she rushed to her side.

“The baby…” Cass whimpered. “The baby!”

Liz understood now what was happening. She tried to push the hair away that had fallen over Cass’s face, but Cass slapped her hand away.

“Oh God, please, please. Liz help me, do something. I can’t…” was all Cass could manage as the pain ripped through her again.

Liz knew she’d never be able to get Cass into the car on her own so she rushed downstairs to get the number for the town doctor. He worked from his home so he could be here in less than ten minutes. Her relief was obvious as she heard his voice telling her what she could do until he got there.

She grabbed several towels from the linen closet and ran back up the stairs. She pulled the blanket away and gently pushed Cass back down on to her back. She lifted the nightgown, then spread Cass’s legs so she could place a towel there to staunch the flow of blood.

“The doctor’s on his way girl. Try not to move okay?”

For the first time in forever, Liz was at a loss for words. There really was nothing she could say to her friend that would make sense or make this nightmare end. So she did what she did for her daughter when she was distraught. She sat next to Cass, holding her hand as they waited for the doctor.

“It was all I had left,” Cass whispered as she stared at Liz. “He didn’t even know. I didn’t even have a chance to tell him.”

Liz leaned down and wrapped her arms around Cass and rocked her back and forth.

“I’m so sorry…..I’m so sorry.” There wasn’t much else to say.

CHAPTER 13

Beau practiced nightly in their newly built room. Cass had set up a table in one corner so she could work on her painted ceramics or whatever craft she was newly into and would laugh as he tried to play certain songs for her. Occasionally she would try to make up words to some of the things he’d play and they always ended up having a good laugh.

He would often snap photos of her at home relaxing and would threaten to send them to her agent if she didn’t stop making fun of his playing. Here she was, one of the most beautiful women in the world, one that had graced nearly every magazine cover out there, every fashion layout, every big show in New York, yet at home she was usually dressed in baggy sweats that seemed to be covered in more glue than most of her crafts. She wore no makeup, her hair was usually pulled back into a ponytail or piled on top of her head with a pencil holding it in place. Beau still found it hard to believe that she was here, with him, that she was his to have and to hold. Often times he found himself wondering how she could have fallen in love with someone as simple as a construction contractor. A guy who was dirty most of the time, hands like sandpaper, unshaven half the time. He never could see what she saw in him, but when she looked at him, he felt her love down to his very core. She loved him with everything she had.

Today she had gotten a call from her doctor’s office. They were calling to let her know that her suspicion was correct, that indeed she was pregnant again. She hadn’t expected it to happen so soon after the miscarriage, but she was more than thrilled. She hung up the phone and twirled around in delight. She picked up Duffy and danced around the room with him. Though he didn’t understand the sudden attention, he adored every moment of it. She set him down and went into the kitchen and threw open the cupboards doors. She took out their good dishes and began to set the table, this time in the dining room instead of the kitchen. Tonight would be a very special dinner, and afterwards when they were comfortably settled in front of the fireplace, she’d tell him the news. She would tell him about their baby.

The house was filled with the smell of pot roast and potatoes. She’d picked roses from the garden and filled several vases, one of which she’d set on the dinning table. Everything was perfect. She’d showered and taken the time to do her hair and makeup and had even opted for a dress instead of her usual casual at home attire. She checked the oven and then turned it dow a little. She checked her watch and realized how late it was getting. She knew Beau was on his way home, because she’d called his office and they said he had left some time ago. She assumed he had stopped along the way to take care of an errand or pick something up at the grocery store, something he often did on his way home.

Another hour passed and still there was no sign of him. She’d tried to reach him several times on his cell phone but it kept going directly to his voice mail. She couldn’t shake this strange feeling in the pit of her stomach as each minute ticked by. She picked up Duffy and stroked his head. She went outside and looked down the road but there was nothing there. Duffy too sensed something and was becoming more restless. Beau usually took him for a short walk as soon as he got home, but that time had come and gone today. A moment later, Duffy began to bark and jumped from her arms. Finally, she thought to herself. She darted back inside, lit all the candles, and then dimmed all the lights. Everything looked perfect. She took one last look at herself in the mirror by the front door before stepping back outside.

“What the hell’s wrong with you tonight?”

The dog continued to bark, and that’s when she realized it couldn’t be Beau because the dog knew the sound of his car and usually stood in quiet excitement, not on alert like he was now. It was too dark by the road to see who was coming at this late hour. As the car left the road and headed up her driveway, Duffy’s bark turned into a growl. Her heart skipped several beats when she realized it was a police cruiser. Maybe Beau had broken down and they had offered him a ride. Rural police often broke protocol when they were not working under a microscope like those who patrolled the big cities. She started down the stairs and headed towards the cruiser. Why wasn’t the passenger door opening she thought. Where was Beau? If he wasn’t in the car, why the hell were the police in her driveway.

The driver’s door opened and the officer got out of the car slowly. Cass topped dead in her tracks. As the officer slowly stepped towards her, his eyes cast towards the ground, Cass felt the first pang of terror. When he was directly in front of her he looked straight into her eyes. She saw the sadness written on his face and she knew, right then, that whatever he was about to say, whatever news he’d come to deliver, was going to change the rest of her life. The officer took a deep breath.

“Are you Mrs. Foster? Cassandra Foster?”

She tried to reply but her throat was as dry as the Sahara Desert. All she could do to acknowledge his question was to nod her head.

“Wife of Beau Foster?”

She nodded again. In all the years he’d been on the force, this part never got easier. He shifted uncomfortably, took another deep breath, then reached out to touch her arm.

“I’ve very sorry Mrs. Foster. Your husband was involved in a traffic accident about two hours ago.”

“Oh my God,” Cass said turning towards the house so she could get her car key’s. But the officer grabbed her, stopped her so he could deliver the rest of what he’d come to tell her.

“I’m sorry, he was killed in the accident. Someone crossed the center divider and crashed head on into him. The paramedics did everything they could to revive him.”

Cass stood there motionless for a second as the information, the verbal blow struck her right in the center of her heart. The last thing she heard was the sound of her own voice screaming against the darkness that was setting in.

She didn’t know where she was when her eyes opened, all she knew was that she was not comfortable. Something was digging into her side, something like a rock. She felt foggy, like someone had drugged her. Her body felt heavy and as she tried to sit up she felt someone’s hand push her back down.

“Just lay here for a minute,” the office said.

Then it hit her again. The wave of fear and panic, and pain spread like a wildfire that was out of control. The sick feeling in her stomach exploded and she threw up. Duffy began to bark again.

“Let me help you up,” the officer said as he gently lifted her up off the driveway. He put one of her arms over his shoulder then slid his arm around her waist so he could help her walk back inside the house. He led her to the couch and gently lowered her onto it.

“Is there someone I can call, someone that can come and be with you right now?”
She raised her eyes to look at him, to see if he was really there. To confirm that this was not just a nightmare she’d be relieved to wake up from.

“I…he’s dead…are you…? No, no no no no…” As her tears fell, she started to rock like a baby, searching desperately for something, some kind of comfort, something to make this not real. “Oh my God. Where is he? Where did they take him?”

“They took him to Center Valley Hospital, but I don’t think you should go there, at least not on your own.”

“I need to call someone…I need to call Liz.”

He turned and saw the phone on the counter. He went over, picked it up, then went back to her and handed her the phone. She hit one button and slowly put the phone to her ear.

“Liz……” was all she could manage before the phone slid from her hand. She began to sob. The officer could hear whoever was on the other end of the phone screaming out Cass’s name. He picked it up and introduced himself. He took a few steps away from Cass then turned his back to her as he quickly and quietly explained what had happened. A moment later he set the phone back in it’s cradle, then went to sit next to Cass on the sofa.

“Your friends are on their way. I’ll stay until they get here.”

CHAPTER 12

It had been three weeks since the miscarriage, and three weeks since they'd made love. To pass the time and distract themselves from the loss they'd just suffered, they'd decided to remodel the attic space. Every night after dinner, and on the weekends, they worked on ripping out walls, installing windows, and laying a new hardwood floor. It was hard work, more so than either one of them really expected, but it was the perfect way to keep themselves focused in the moment. Two weeks after they finished the room, the new furniture arrived. Beau was at work so Cass had the delivery guys help her place the furniture in the room. Once they were gone she went back into the room and sat down on the new sofa. The room felt good to her. Pooling their talents had made the space a perfect compliment to their tastes.

That night, before Beau arrived home from work, Cass got dressed as though she were going on a date. It made her feel better about things, trying to make her life go back to normal, or at least as normal as it could be under the circumstances. She had grown tired of feeling sad and decided to make them a special dinner, a celebration of sorts on the completion of their new room. She put a bottle of champagne on ice next to the fireplace and put on some romantic music. They only thing left to do while she waited for Beau was to take Duffy for a stroll.

She was back upstairs when Beau arrived and hollered to him to come up and join her. He was pleasantly surprised to see Cass looking more like herself. She was after all, the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. Upon closer inspection, he saw the spark returning to her eyes and was relieved.

"Champagne? What's the occassion?" he asked.

"The occasion is that I love you, and I love this new room, and so we're going to celebrate, just because," she said as she wrapped her arms around him.

"I love you too," he said, then kissed her tenderly.

Cass had set up the table with candles and their best dishes and they had a lovely dinner in front of the roaring fireplace.

"That, my darling, was a feast fit for a King," Beau said.

"It was well deserved," Cass said. "But I've got just a little more for you."

Cass stood up, reaching out her hand to Beau. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you for everything, for being there, for being you, for making us perfect."

He drew her into his arms and held her gently against his chest. "No...you have that wrong. You are what makes us perfect."

A few moments later, they were on the floor on the new rug, champagne glasses in hand. They toasted their new space.

"To the wonders of hard labor," Cass said as she clinked her glass against his. They both took a sip, then Beau reached out and took her glass, setting it on the table next to the sofa. He leaned over and kissed her. He was as hungry for her as she was for him. With his lips still on hers, he lowered her onto her back and began to unbutton her sweater. She did not protest in the least. She was physically and mentally ready to get back to the way they'd been. She felt the tension and sadness, and all the other emotions she'd kept silent, slowly fade away as Beau made love to her. It felt so safe to be held in his arms.

Later, after they'd gone to bed and Beau had fallen asleep, Cass got up and went downstairs. She walked over to the cabinet in the living room and opened the door. She opened one of the two drawers that was inside the cabinet and stood there looking at the contents for a moment. She reached in and pulled out the little pair of booties Liz had give her for luck. The way she figured it was if they worked once, maybe they still had a little magic left. She held them to her chest and closed her eyes while she offered up a little silent prayer.

She went back upstairs and crawled into bed. She slid the booties back under her pillow, then rolled over so she was curled up against Beau. Even in his deep sleep she could feel him respond to her touch. He rolled over so he was facing her and she repositioned herself so her head lay on his chest. She loved laying like this, listening to every beat of his heart, feeling the warmth of his body spread across her like a downey comforter.


A few days later, the phone rand in the middle of the night startling both of them. Beau turned on the lamp beside the bed, then picked up the phone.

"Hello?" Bill...what's...Congratulations, how's Liz doing?" Cass had sat up at the mention of Bill's name. Beau nodded and told her they'd had the baby. "Give her our love Bill. We'll come to visit later today."

He hung up the phone then looked at Cass. "It's a girl."

"Oh my God. How wonderful." Cass flopped back down on the bed lost in thought.

After they finished breakfast and got dressed they jumped in the car and headed for the hospital. They made two stops on the way, one to a florist to pick up some flowers, and the other to a toy store where Cass picked out the fluffiest, pinkest teddy bear they had. When they got to the hospital they were directed to Liz's room on the third floor. Cass knocked gently, then slowly pushed the door open. Liz was sitting up and smiling as Cass approached her. She leaned over and gave Liz a hug.

"Congratulations Mommy, how are you feeling?" Cass asked as she sat on the bed next to her.

"Thank you, and, well, other than feeling a little worn out, I feel pretty great." Liz said.

Beau went to the other side of the bed after setting the enormous bear down and placing the flowers on the bedside table.

"What happened to Bill? Finally got the bed in the nutso ward." Beau said smiling at her.

"No. He tried. He would have done anything to get out of that room once I started moaning but he managed to stay for the whole ride, poor bugger," she said. "He went downstairs for some coffee. We've been her since early last night. I tried to send him home but he wouldn't listen, so he's pretty wiped out."

"I see. Well I guess that's my cue to go find him. I'm sure you two are going to start talking in graphic detail about the birth and stuff. That's probably a little too much information for my little brain this early. I'll see you in a while." He bent down and kissed Liz on the forehead.

As predicted, the girls discussed in gory detail, the delivery of the new baby. It sounded horrible and exhilerating all at the same time. Cass was anxious to see the new addition to their world, the new girl on the block, the one who would be called Joey, short for Josephine.

"Are they going to bring her in soon? I have to see her." Cass asked.

"No, they're going to keep her in the nursery for a while, keep her under a heat lamp, so we have to go there to look at her." Liz said.

"Is there something wrong?" Cass asked. Liz could hear the fear in her voice and quickly explained that they were just trying to warm her up, that often times babies were cold right after they were born.

"You help me up, we'll go see her." Liz said.

"Are you sure? Are you strong enough to...?" Cass said.

"I'm fine. I'm not dying here girl, I just had a baby. Now give me a hand."

The girls made their way down the long hallway at the speed of a snail. As they turned the corner at the end, Cass could see the big glass windows of the nursery. Liz knocked lightly on the glass and the young nurse inside came to the window. She tapped her wrist with her finger so Liz would show her her armband, and once she saw the name she turned and walked to the center of the nursery. She pushed the plastic cradle to the window, pulled the blanket down just a little so they could see the tiny little body, then smiled at them before turning away to take care of another baby a few feet away.

Cass's eyes filled with tears. "Oh Liz! Oh my God, she's so beautiful. Look at how tiny everything is, she's perfect." She squeezed Liz's hand. "Look at all that hair. Boy, are you going to have fun with that."

"My doctor told all that hair was probably what gave me heartburn all the time."

"Oh, but it was so worth it right? It's like a little carpet already." Cass said.

Just then, the elevator doors opened and out stepped Bill and Beau. They joined the women at the window so they could see the baby as well.

"She's as beautiful as her beautiful mother," Beau said then turned to look at Bill's head. "She looks a little like you, but the hair must be from Liz's side of the family."

Bill ran his hand over his slightly balding head. "Well, she had to contribute something," Bill said with as much sarcasm as he could manage.

"Never mind you two, I think she's just the perfect combination of both of us," Liz said as she wrapped her arms around Bill's waist.

The four of them stood there in silence for a little while watching the little bundle move, and stretch, and yawn. The world had just become a bigger place and they were all so happy to be sharing this moment together.

Cass and Beau left shortly after seeing the baby. All the way home they held hands and talked about little Joey. How wonderful it was going to be watching her grow up. Beau knew that this was hard for Cass, considering what they'd just been through, and he prayed silently that they would be blessed again very soon with the promise of their own baby.