CHAPTER 17

Cass's restless night had wreaked havoc on her the next day at work. She'd tossed and turned, and at one point, woke up crying. She couldn't get into the groove. Try as she might to focus on what the photographer was saying to her, it was not going to happen. She was tired, she had a headache from all the wine she had consumed with her friends the previous night, they couldn't get the red out of her eyes no matter how many drops they put in, and she was plain and simply cranky. The photographer finally gave up and called it a day. She knew she'd hear about it from her agent later but she didn't care. She was an emotional basket case.

She stopped at the butchers on the way home to pick up a steak and a bone for Duffy as an apology for her rebuff last night. He'd tried to snuggle with her throughout the night, tried to comfort her, but she'd pushed him aside. If she were going to be alone, she wanted to feel like she were alone and Duffy's intrusions were pissing her off. She'd finally gotten up, put him outside the bedroom and closed the door so he couldn't get back in. This was so not like her.

As she turned the key in the door of her apartment, she could hear Duffy scurrying across the sleek wood floor towards the door. He ran circles around her feet as she came inside.

"I know little man. I'm glad to see you too!" She made her way to the kitchen so she could set her things down, and retrieved the bone she'd bought for him. "Peace offering Duff. That's the best I can do."

Duffy pounced on the huge bone as soon as it hit the floor. He looked back up at her with his big brown eyes as though thanking her, then dragged the bone over to his bed where he proceeded very methodically to dismantle it.

Cass saw the light blinking on her answering machine and punched the playback button.

"What the hell Cassie? Raul called and said your shoot today was a total fail. We need to talk. Are you okay? Call me as soon as you get this."

She knew her agent would be seething and she wasn't at all surprised by the message but she wasn't feeling up to calling her back quite yet. The next message was from a real estate agent inquiring about her house in the country.

"My name is Rachel Montgomery. I'm a real estate agent. I know we haven't met but I got your number from a friend of yours, Liz. I ran into her at the little store out here and she overheard me talking to the manager about your house. She was hesitant about giving me your number but I convinced her I just wanted to inquire as to the properties status since it looks like it's been un-lived in for some time. I have a client who is in love with your house. If you're interested in any kind of agreement, sale, lease, rent, whatever, then please call me back so we can discuss this further. Thank you."

Cassie's heart began to race at the thought of someone else being in her house. She had left it in tact more as a shrine to what she'd had there with Beau. The idea of someone else intruding into her old life was absurd. She picked up the phone and dialed the number the agent left. She would nip this in the bud as quickly as possible.

"Is this Rachel?" Cass asked.

"Yes," the agent replied.

"This is Cassidy Lindley, I mean Gardner. You called about my house."

"Oh hi. I have a client who had been driving around looking at properties and he fell in love with your place. I know it's not on the market but I was curious if you were interested in leasing or renting it out?"

"Absolutely not!" Cass said. "It's not available for anything, okay?" Cass said biting back the anger that was lurking just below the surface.

"Oh, okay. I'll let my client know. Thanks for your time."

Just talking to this woman left her feeling furious, so much so, she was actually trembling. The idea of someone wanting to take away the last shred of Beau's memory scared her. It was all she had left of him aside from the photo's and memento's of their time together, the ones she kept in the small box in the dresser drawer.

But the call got her to thinking that maybe it was time to go out there. She had all but abandoned the place shortly after Beau's death, and she knew there were probably a lot of things that were in disrepair, things that should be taken care of before they got any worse.

She called Liz to let her know that she was planning to visit over the weekend. Liz of course was thrilled. She also knew how hard this would be for Cass so she suggested they have lunch together on Saturday. Cass said that sounded great.

 As she prepared dinner she thought about what she'd need to take with her. She really couldn't remember what she'd left out there when she left so she started a list of things she'd need to pick up. She could feel Duffy staring at her as though he knew what she was thinking, and when she looked down at him she knew her assuption was right.

 "You ready for a ride out to the country Duff? Get out of the concrete jungle for a few days?" She bent down to ruffle the hair on his head. At this, he began to bark and twist his body, something he always did when he got excited. "Okay, okay. You're in, but first do me a favor and chew on your bone for a while, okay?"

 Friday afternoon, she finished work early. She couldn't wait to get home and scrub her face. She'd been doing a period piece and had to wear gobs of makeup and tons of hairspray to keep the wild style in place. She showered, changed into her sweat suit and took Duffy for a short walk before they headed out on the long drive.

 It was nice to leave the city at dusk. The lights twinkled in her rearview mirror like a million stars that had somehow found their way to ground level. She turned the radio on and sang along as the city began to fall behind her. She had to distract herself, keep her mind busy so she wouldn't chicken out, so she wouldn't turn the car back around towards the safety of her apartment.

 It was dark by the time she reached the house. She pulled the car up to the front door, turned the ignition off, then sat there a few minutes because the sight of the house had made her dizzy. It put her on sensory overload. But Duffy was not going to allow her reverie to linger any longer. He was impatient to get out and run around freely so he jumped on her lap and started barking. As soon as she opened the door for him he bolted from his perch and headed straight for the first bush he saw. He was elated. He ran around peeing on everything he could find.

Finally Cass stepped out of the car. She glanced around the property and was surprised by how overgrown and neglected it looked. It did look abandoned. The real estate agent had been right. She went around to the trunk of the car and got out a few of the bags she'd brought with her. Duffy ran in circles around her feet then bolted straight up the front stairs to the door and began to scratch at it like he always used to. He knew he was finally home at last. Cass slowly made her way up the steps towards him. Her knees were shaking, and her heart started pounding as she slid the key into the lock.

The sound of the bolt turning seemed to echo into the night like an announcement, as though the world was welcoming her back home as well. As the door swung open, Duffy made a beeline to the couch, jumped up on it and started rolling around as though his body was on fire. It seemed to be a perfect moment for him. There was just enough moonlight filtering in to the room that she could see the outline of everything. A moment later Duffy jumped down, flew by her and then raced up the stairs towards the den where he'd spent endless hour with her and Beau. She watched him until he was out of sight.

She felt her body flushed with familiarity. She reached over to the wall next to the door to flick the light switch on. She prayed the last minute call to the electric company had been in time and that they'd been able to turn her power back on on such short notice, and they had. The room filled with light. She set her things down just inside the doorway and took stock of what she was feeling and seeing. What had once been a house full of love, laughter, and anticipation, had become just an empty house.

Duffy came charging down the stairs and ran into the kitchen. She heard him overturn a bowl, presumably his old water bowl, and she was amazed that he had still remained so familiar with his old digs. She was grateful for the tinny noise because it helped get her moving. She began to move through the house turning on every light as she went. When she got to the kitchen, there was Duffy sitting, waiting patiently by his bowl. She bent over, picked it up, then went to the sink to fill it. When she set it down for him, he lapped at the water liked he'd never had any before. She realized then, that he'd been just as nervous as her.

She whiffed the air and it was old and stale. She shoved the kitchen window open, then made a mental note that she'd open every window tomorrow to get rid of the musty unlived in odor. She went back out to the car and brought in the last bags, the ones filled with just enough groceries to get her through two or three days. After putting everything away she went outside through the back door. She stood on the porch and listened.

Her ears filled with the quietness. The smell of wild jasmine filled her nostrils. She'd forgotten just how quiet the night could be. She moved over to the old rocking chair and sat. The breeze blew her hair around her face. Her eyes filled with tears as the memories came flooding back. How many nights had she and Beau spent sitting here making plans for the future? How many dinners had they eaten out there under the moon? How many times did he whisper in her ear that he loved her as they lay snuggled together, wrapped in a comforter, as an early snow began to fall?

She had promised herself before she left the city that she was going to think of the future, but now, being here in the flesh, it was hard not to think of the past.

~

The sun was blazing and the humidity in the air promised a late afternoon rain. She and Beau had spend the whole morning painting the old wicker furniture they'd fount at an auction. It would be the finishing touch for the back porch. Duffy had been running around chasing squirrels for the most of the morning and Beau had had to call him off every so often in order to preserve their natural wildlife. After the painting was finished Beau went inside to make them something to eat while Cass finished putting everything away. She then set about the task of planting the geraniums in the planter boxes hoping it would be the last step in transforming their beautiful outdoor room. She stood back for a minute to admire her work when at long last the first crack of thunder rang out. She felt the first raindrops land on her shoulders. They were big and fat, they kind she always loved. They were also Duffy's favorite and she watch for a moment as he jumped in the air, trying to catch them before they hit the ground.

"Come on Duffy, get in here before you get filthy," she called out. Duffy came running at breakneck speed. He'd never really been that fond of lightning so he was happy to go inside. He charged up the stairs at such speed, he crashed into the screen door before Cass had a chance to open it. "Good Lord, you are an absolute lunatic dog. Please, allow me," she said cracking the door open so he could scramble in. At that exact moment, another long rumbling crack crashed down from the sky, which sent Duffy straight under the kitchen table. Both she and Beau laughed out loud. 

"Something smells good. What have you whipped up my dear?" she said moving towards the stove.

"Well, we've got a nice bowl of soup to take the chill off, and a lovely salad with pan fried shrimp," he said in that silly waiter voice he used every time he cooked for her. She always loved that about him. His humor was always a little silly, but it suited him to a tea. He spooned the soup into the bowls, set the salad on the table, then pulled out the chair for her. 

"Why thank you sir," she said giving him a short peck on the cheek.

They'd sat there talking about this and that as the storm rolled through. An hour later, the rain had stopped and the sun began to peek out from behind the last dark cloud.  Beau had a few errands to run in town so he left Cass to clean up the kitchen. She stood at the sink and watched as their wonderland of a backyard came back to life as the suns rays broke through.  She pushed the window open and drew in a deep breath. She always loved how the rain made everything new and fresh, unlike when she was living in the city. There it made the trash smell more prominent and made the roads more slick from years of cars passing over them. It was so different living in the country. It had become so her so much so that she didn't mind the commute one little bit when she got work. It was a bit of a chore getting back in on the crowded freeways, but the trip home stripped away any feelings of anxiousness she'd garnered during the day.

She puttered around in the house a little while longer then got out the new cushions they'd bought for the patio furniture. She took them outside and placed them just so. She rearranged the candles on the small table, then sat down, again admiring how their hard work had paid off. 

Beau had come back, his chores finished, and he'd brought his saxaphone outside with him. He sat next to Cass and played a few soft melodies. The sun was beginning it's decent and was transforming their big sky into a pallet of warm, beautiful hues of orange, pink, and gold. What a perfect end to a perfect day.

~

She unstacked the chairs and set them back in place then went to the old pine chest they'd used for storage. She pulled the cushions out and took the plastic wrap off of them. She couldn't remember putting them away like that so Liz or Bill must have come by after she'd left and stored them properly so they wouldn't get ruined. She set them back on the chairs, then took stock of the empty planters. She felt just as empty as they did. She stood there for a moment breathing in the familiar scents. In so many ways it felt so good to be here, but then she remembered. It would never be what it used to be.

She went back inside and put food in Duffy's bowl, then made herself a sandwich and a cup of tea. She sat for a long time listening to the radio trying to postpone going up those stairs to their old bedroom. She was remembering how warm and comfortable she'd been here. She had somehow convinced herself over the past two years that she would hate coming back, that she would hate this place, but now, and the night began to really set in, she realized that this too would be part of her healing process. 

The phone rang, startling her and she spilled her tea. She grabbed a cloth and the phone at the same time.

"Hello," she said as she wiped up her mess, which made her sound very distracted.

"What's wrong," Liz asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine. It's so quiet here the phone startled me. I spilt my tea. Are you still coming over tomorrow?" she asked.

"Actually, that's what I was calling about. Something came up. Can we do it Sunday?" 

"Sunday's fine. Promise me you'll bring Alicia though. I probably won't even recognize her," Cass said because it had been far too long since she'd seen her.

"Absolutely. I can't wait to see you." Liz said.

"Ditto girl, ditto!"

She set the phone back in its cradle and then cleaned up the rest of her mess. She put the dishes in the sink because she didn't feel like washing them tonight. She went to the back door and stepped outside. 

"Duffy, come on boy, time to come inside," she called out, then stood there waiting for him. She could hear him rustling through some brush at the side of the house, probably trying to suss out one more wild thing before calling it a night. She looked up at the moon. They sky was clear and in the darkness, it appeared brighter and bigger somehow, and as if it was meant to be, she watched a star streak through the sky on its way to burning out. Her heart filled at the sight. It was as though the country, or maybe even Beau, was welcoming her home.

Duffy finally made it back to the porch and they both went back inside. Cass wandered into the livingroom. It looked as it always had with the exception of the few missing pieces that were now at her apartment in New York. She moved further into the room and ran her fingers across the table behind the couch. Oh Lord. She was going to have to dust it tomorrow, along with all the other cleaning she would have to do. But that was okay because now she'd have the day to herself. She turned and stood looking at the stairway leading up to the second floor. She could feel the tremble move through her body but she forced herself to move. She went up slowly and at the top stopped for a moment. She reached out and pushed the door to the den all the way open. She fully expected to smell the old aroma of Beaus 'once in a while' cigar. Instead, she was hit with a stale odor of a room closed up for too long. She stepped inside and opened the window. This room had had a life of its own. Because she wanted it so bad, it felt as though somehow, Beau was still very much a part of it. She turned on the light. His sax seemed to glow as though it was demanding her full attention. It was exactly where he had set it down for the last time. She probably should have put it back in its case before she'd moved back to the city, but she hadn't. She couldn't bring herself to even touch it then. She wasn't sure she could now either.

She quietly walked across the room, took a breath, then picked it up. It was cold and covered with dust, but she didn't care. She put the mouthpiece to her lips and blew softly. It made kind of a chirping sound, the same stupid sound that always came out whenever she'd tried to play it. Beau had given her the nickname 'squeak' because of that. He had always joked about her musical ineptness but she'd never minded because he was absolutely correct. She had no talent whatsoever when it came to carrying a tune. That made her laugh out loud. 'Good to know some things never change' she thought to herself. Duffy jumped up on the chair beside her, then jumped back down. He ran out of the room towards the bedroom, then turned a flew back towards her. He was looking for something.

"I know dude. I know exactly how you feel. But it's just us now, you and me, okay?" She reached down and scooped him up into her arms. She needed to feel his warmth so she wouldn't feel so alone. She expected he felt the same way too.

Together they entered the bedroom. It was pretty much a shell since she'd also taken that furniture back to the city with her. Duffy squirmed in her arms so she set him back down on the floor. He ran around sniffing at everything then stopped near the corner. Cass saw that look in his eye.

"Don't you dare. You pee in here, you'll be sleeping outside!" He looked up at her and knew she wasn't kidding. He dropped his leg and ran out of the room. There were too many memories haunting her mind so she stepped out of the room, closed the door, and headed back to the den. She opened the closet door, grabbed two heavy quilts and a pillow and threw them on the couch. Tonight she would sleep in here.

It was hard to fall asleep that night. She kept looking at all the pictures still hanging on the walls.  Finally she stopped fighting. She sat up and opened the drawer of the table next to the couch. She pulled out a small photo albumn. Page after page, she watched a lifetime go by. The best years of her life. She couldn't bear to look through the whole thing and finally set it down on the floor. She lay back on the couch. She was completely exhausted as her mind reeled, where the past and the present flashed endlessly reminding her of what would never be again.